What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
I cant date a girl that sucks dick at sucking dick
I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
I don't even remember his name...i'm just gonna save it as birthday sex
Renamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.'
i almost set my kitchen on fire last night. homecoming week is getting the best of me
Making a drinking game out of jeopardy does not mean you studied..
I don't think I'm emotionally ready for this blow job.
well his nickname is liver of steel so it makes sense that his balls follow suit. tell him i say sorry
Welcome to the single world where it seems vibrator batteries are in short supply and making a sandwich while naked at 2am is relatively normal
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
I was blacked out when we met, so basically this will be a blind date.
I don't know which is worse, the fact that his name is Kevin or the fact that he has a pornstache.
Why do all my exes just become Tom Hanks in Castaway?
That's a fantastic question. And an odd set of criteria to meet if wanting to date you.
you're now officially the 3000 mile booty call. congrats.
Randomize
