Turning 21 on Saint Patty's day. I like to think this is what my alcoholic ancestors have prepared me for
Hey I have to teach you how to run in heels before vegas
I fucked her to her "thinking of him" playlist. Sucks to be that guy haha
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
I'm gonna have to flying elbow somebody tonight in memory of Macho Man
We're not even buying beer. Just vodka. In pre-retrospect this was a bad idea but we're doing it anyway
I tried exercising today. I ended up masturbating to the Wii fit trainer.
I am going to be fat forever.
There's a treasure map on your stomach. Treasure may or may not be the clothes you lost...enjoy
What I'm saying is DOWNGRADE. Like, do you see the caps lock?
Don't forget the part about the bar bathroom stumbles.
Oh damn, you're right. I have to include that. You turned off all the lights with your head. That was impressive.
Your anal douche was on bathroom counter. Now it's in dumpster. Not ok. I am mad. Very mad.
I just woke and boke and made apple pancakes. I'm kicking Monday in the dick.
she's the poster child for how alcoholism can be fun.
Take home message: SPERM IS EVIL AND SHOULD NEVER EVER EVER BE ALLOWED UP ONE'S NOSE.
Bring me pizza. I'll trade you your underwear you left here for 2 slices.
Randomize
