That chick was all over your bacon last night, grinding on you, I thought you were going to bang her in the club
Dude it was a lap dance
you said the mailboxes were turning into babies and they started crawling away. then you cried and asked me how you were gonna get your college acceptance letters
you freaked out because you thought your face lotion was cum in a bottle
Judging by the grocery store, everyone stocked up on frozen pizza and beer for the blizzard. If our generation ever faces doomsday, we'll go out smiling.
Canada just beat USA, the sad part they still need us to make money so who really won
Our Icelandic basketball player brought cocaine and rachael is screaming that he should do lines off her stomach. It's that kind of party
I should have slept with you when you were wearing the gorilla suit. I've had dreams about your chest hair. I hope jail wasn't too bad.
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
It's like a teen mom casting at the Obgyn's office. I feel great about my positive life decisions.
WHY IN THE FUCK DID YOU LET ME DRUNK PUNCH STEVE? HE IS SUCH A NICE GUY!
Karaoke machines out. We're taking turns farting into the microphone. Shits going south fast. Definitely be awake when you get home.
Sorry, fell into some ass. Call you tomorrow.
First thing that comes on in the morning is kanye's I can't hold my liquor. yeezus lives.
I was thinking about the biological process causing me to puke while I was puking. THAT'S how much I'd been studying.
Im about to get an ultrasound of my balls. I hate waiting. Its the worst.
Randomize
