I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
Help i just walked in on mom blowing dad
I just saw on the news, this guy tried to smuggle coke in a bouquet of roses... and to think I used to hate valentines day.
if we dont hook up this weekend, im doing both his roommates
Before attempting to fly away into the night you asked me to take care of your sister. I agreed.
I would rather deep fry my own cock while it's still attached to me than have his life.
Ummm Im the uneducated alcoholic of the group... if I say its a bad idea, its probably a bad idea.
Ok so you know that's gonna be legally viewed as kidnapping, right?
I'm gonna have to get you a special blowjob bib -- like a lobster bib -- but instead of a picture of a little red lobster, it will have a picture of a penis, with 3 big squirts coming out.
My walk of shame wasn't complete until I projectile vomited clutching my truck bumper while he just smiled with that look of regret.
I had to carry him up the hill while he was wearing nothing but knee high socks and a blue glitter sequin leotard.
Why is this not a picture message?
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
Bruh. He just said the words "cyber sex"-is it 1999?
She asked what a chaser is. I died a little inside, please come back..
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
Randomize
