I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
Do you think Patty Mayonase ever went down on Doug?
I just saw some girl with the liscense plate "OBVIII"...I never wanted to get in a car accident so badly.
Know of anyone who would be interested in trading weed for meatballs?
I feel like someone kicked me repeatedly in the ribs. I don't think sex is supposed to do that.
Like hey, "you just spent $135k to go to a nobody law school to drive a mini van, be a dj, live in a smalllll ass apartment that smells like cats and your girlfriend fucks other guys."
I've got mace and a condom. Ready to roll either way and keeping my pimp hand strong.
Due to your tardiness, I'm saving you my tab
And to top it off I think that was the first time in history that anyone has used "oh just taking care of her grandmother and doing porn" in the same sentence.
I totally forgot about finals week. im the worst adderall salesman ever.
That BJ in the bathroom was definitely worth the $20 cover.
The last thing I remember is goading each other into a vodka-chugging competition.
Honestly I am too high to watch videos of you jerking off right now
My apartment looks like the apocalypse of sobriety.
There's a rash on my genitals that would like a word with you.
Randomize
