I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
There's a naked kid on the floor on your side of the bed. Don't freak out when you wake up. I think we need to fix the lock on the door...
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
she used her one phone call to ask me about my day
some drunk bitch driving a golf cart ran over the live band... its bad.
It is a special kind of bonus when you find money you hid from yourself when you were drunk in the tampon box. What did we do last period?
He was the only one not on Xanax so he holds the key to what actually happened last night
I'm only wearing socks and eating tuna, don't do this to me right now.
If my birthday doesn't end with my panties hanging from a ceiling fan, I'm holding you responsible.
apparently when she asked me how drunk I was on a scale of 1-10, I answered "bitch I'm fabulous" and tried to do a sassy hairflip. but I have short hair.
He gives me the same feeling I get when someone puts a margarita or German chocolate cake in front of me
Ate his Chinese food and drank his beer and played with his chihuahua. All while wrapped in a towel while he was sleep.
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
You sat down in the middle of the road and started crying. We told you "Get your ass up or we're leaving you here." You replied "They'll findddd meeeeee" and ran after us.
The only words we could get out of him as he stared catatonically into space were "Everyone I know and love is dead"
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