I'm so bored and have no one to sexy text
Chipotle...archenemy of the gay man. Cockblocking me since 1997
This kid is too lonely to be my drug dealer.
Wow. He pulled out his dick and I swear I heard a thud from it hitting the floor.
Nothing says 'good morning' like waking up only to realize this chick was watching you sleep. She's crazy
I'm sorry I put you in the washing machine. I honestly thought you would fit.
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
I hope you get some kind or rare disease that makes your dick ties itself in a knot for fucking her you lucky bastard.
She had a glow in the dark pastie on her forehead the last time I saw her. That should help you find her.
Came home to my roommate drinking a 40 in the shower. Chugging with his hair still fully shampoo'd.
But I've also made plans to crash a black tie event wearing a storm trooper helmet. I think I've found the love of my life..
There is no issue with you seeing me...morally or ethically. we'll update your resume anyway. I really need to have sex with you later. Really
LOOK, I was 19, and I made a lot of choices with my crotch which I'm weirdly proud of
Yes dear.
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
Apparently I was carrying around a bottle of listerine calling it 5 loco
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