I'm kindof freaked out about my cock not getting up this morning. Cove over later so I can sort this out. Do not post this on texts from last night.
Damn that would have been a great one. Hahah and don't worry...
I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
ew. I made a sandwich, and the cheese reminded me of her vagina
Seriously, let me lead the intervention, my parents did like three with me. I know how it works.
ok, just found out the kid i had random sex with in April was on wheel of fortune so i can really no longer say i regret that night
Do you think she's aware of my deep hatred or should I set her hair on fire in her sleep?
She thinks she's a fairy, dude. A real fucking fairy with wings and shit.
If you like her enough, bring her with. If not, eloquently cunt punt that bitch through the field goals of life.
Why do I always miss the parties you're naked at?!
I get naked cuz your not there
i was completely deserted.. so i stood outside starbucks for 20 minutes trying to convince the employees to open early and take care of me.. fuck you guys
This juggling 3 dicks is getting exhausting
He tried to brush a hair off my cheek, but turns out it was just a freakishly long chin hair. So no, we didn't bang.
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
I was in line at Panera when I got the pic you sent to your coworker. I just showed your vag to a soccer mom. The vibrator was a nice touch.
Nothing will ever be as awkward as looking my mother in the eye and talking to her while I have a dick inside me. Time for a lock on my door.
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