I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
Thanksgiving break drinking is a marathon, not a sprint, and i need to be well rested
My Pizza Lunchables won't fit in the fridge because of all your alcohol. One of our addictions has to give.
come parachute off the vicodin airplane with meee
Two words. Shotgunning Cognac.
This has already gotten way out of hand
At orientation, some girl is asking, loudly, where she can get weed. Everyone looks discussed but are paying very close attention to people's answers.
Serious question: Should I volunteer to get tazered? My instincts say no but my wild side says yes.
I think it's time for a new pick up line. So far my " hey you want to go back to my place, order a pizza and fuck?" Has set me at an all time low downtown 0/4
I'm all dressed in my outfit from last night, and I'm not even the sluttiest person in Walmart right now. God bless Miami.
I just want to go home and eat bagel bites in my underwear
I literally wonder, frequently, "Will anyone ever fuck me until i go cross eyed for 2 hours again?''
So apparently, after 11 beers, 2 pitchers of sangria and 3 rhum & cokes, the idea of popping a load of MD and jumping on the trampoline, in the woods, in my underwear was the best one ever.
Oh? And how would you explain this to your kids?
"Well pumpkin, when mommies and daddies have loved each other so much for a really long time, sometimes they trade off with other mommies and daddies"
I looked into her soul, didn't I?
You eye-fucked her soul.
Everybody at Lexi's party found out I'm both a screamer and a moaner after he ate me out on the pool table downstairs. Just another sunday night in Alaska
Randomize
