Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
There is a girl getting fingered on my left, a middle aged drink man smoking a bong and two girls flashing the cameras in front of me. I'm in the middle trying to maintain my innocence.
At my internship. I get drug tested tmr at 2
Are they going to pay you for the one day you worked?
She was about to go down when you guys iced me. Thanks bro
I had to brake up with him.
In my experience drinking helps.
You dont want to know why?
Not really. I want to drink.
he tried to do a one handed cartwheel to showoff but knocked himself out cold. fuckin jagerbombs will kill that man.
True that.. I am going to ride a gold plated unicorn across a field of cocaine and coach purses when I graduate.
That was beautiful.
styled my pubes into a mustache as a surprise. Thought you should know
I should have made a run for it. Seriously who calls the cops on themselves and goes to jail. ...on a Monday.
I'm going to fix your towel rack. I broke it while I was dancing on it.
how does spending your day off taking me to the hospital sound?
Dude so last night I was eating out my gf and her kitten climbed onto my back and fell asleep. AND SHE DIDN'T NOTICE FOR LIKE 10 MINUTES
Can't tell if waking up covered in easy mac is the sign of an amazing or terrible night
And he's in a frat. Everyone in a frat is gay. It's science.
The guy I'm talking to drunk texted me his essay last night and he asked me to revise it
Randomize
