where are you?
in the room with the baby pig
k im coming soon
We had sex in his tahoe, talked about how we don't love each other and then high fived twice. Best Day Ever
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
they started a semi-successful rumor that toby keith died. who says fraternities don't have goals
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
You never realize how many sex toys you have until you have to strategically hide them while moving out of your dorm.
i took my sailor hat off and used it as a vom bucket
I'm allowed to be upset. I've never had that many fingers in my ass
What did he say? I couldn't hear him over the sound of how awesome his beard is.
My public calorie counter app is pretty much just a cry for help.
You told me I couldn't make out with you until I added you on LinkedIn
he keeps various drugs in his kitchen cupboard like groceries. that is my new life goal as an adult.
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
Change of plans & whoring it up tonight
Randomize
