On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
careful when you do the walk of shame, they are handing out bibles on campus
do you know anything about the $5 bill with my name stapled to it in my purse??
She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
I don't know why I've never thought to take my bong into the bathtub before.
don't ever tell me how terrible your next walk of shame is until you run into your little brother on his way to class.
Also, just almost microwaved cereal. Thank god mom is here to stop me.
I've officially done it all, fucked a girl wearing a twister board. ABC parties are amazing!
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
I get a nose bleed and my uncle is automatically giving me the "your doing lines off dashboards again aren't you" look
Halfway through the blowjob she stopped and said 'Wait I know this dick'.
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
Blacked out drunk in California and woke up somewhere in Arizona, I'm pretty sure I got here on foot
My greatest accomplishment today was eating a box of Thai food the size of a toddler.
And remember people can't hear you kick ass in space
Randomize
