I didn't think it was possible for the human body to be physically dependant on weed until I moved in with this kid
Either these are mashed potatoes in my pants, or I was drunker than I thought.
woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
i'll never see her again. i cant remember her last name. this is like cinderella except prince charming drank too much jameson and couldnt save a phone number properly
You were spitting chewed up pretzle into my hands telling me to hold it for you.
I was unaware that a tutu and pasties was appropriate attire to this
we were both as far on opposite edges of my bed as possible this morning. id say work is gonna be a little uncomfortable from now on
Having him as a wingman is like telling the girl you already have aids
And then after we fucked he wouldn't stop calling me "champ". It was like I had sex with an extremely attractive soccer coach
It takes a special kind of man to fart REALLY loudly right before entering a woman and still get some. This has been a state of bootytown address.
My legs r really sober for running now
I don't think that's how sobriety works.
There's tequila in my general area. Please pray for me.
I nicknamed her "Jackhammer" for the way she gave me a handjob. My balls were in constant pain
We single women of America need to make America great again by refusing to fuck anyone who supports Trump.
They also submitted to my demands for pizza
Randomize
