The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
She transformed our coors light pitcher we stole from the bar into a fruit basket...
and then he said he has been waiting since high school to touch my boobs
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
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I've decided, even as much fun as it sounds, I don't care for his sodomy box.
she crawled under her car and passed out. Unfortunately her feet were sticking out and someone called 911 because they thought she had been run over.
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
I will not remember tonight for the most part. This text will be evidence. You can and probably will use this against me.
It is very possible that having sex with you just now just got me into Yale
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Jesus Christ. If I were a normal sex-having person, I'd think I was knocked up. I'm cycling through emotions like I'm in a decathlon to crazy.
Everywhere I look there's another kitten this is so ideal
Can I live on acid? Kittens man. Kittens.
It's time to run my sex life like a basketball team. Got the lesson Clint!
all the one night stand stories i have end with me crying on my RA's floor stuffing cupcakes into my mouth
I swear to god if you keep eating my cats food drunk I am going to kick you out of our apartment.
I'm just down here gazing up into your ivory tower of nudes