seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
How young is too young to ask my kid to make me a drink?
I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
Girls are like M&M's, once the lights go out you can't tell the difference.
He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever.
She tried to kill herself by taking a whole packet of panadol. I mean HELLO THAT'S ME EVERY SUNDAY MORNING.
Also he wants to know a casual, consise way to ask a girl in a bar if he could eat her out. Think on that.
We learned many a lesson today about drug use in canoes
You know what the worst feeling in the world is? Sitting in your 6pm AA meeting still hungover from the night before
...I'm not a booty call or a pizza...you can't just call/text and expect to be eating me in an hour..
I told him I tried to eat a stranger's sandwich while I was drunk. Mildly disappointed but he realizes he has me for a kid.
My glasses were in the garbage this morning
It's astonishing how many Ludacris lyrics you know
Why do pants feel so unnatural once you enter your own house
I've had pants off for 3 hours now. America.
Randomize
