fuck dude i blacked out on a tuesday. what am i doing with my life?
Winning.
Have you ever made a sandwich from swedish fish and tortilla chips?
That fucking fat Asian kid that NOBODY invited is stuck in the dryer again
Yeah he doesn't get it. We had to change the subject to Keanu reeves before someone got hurt.
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
we're going to drop off one of our cars at the police station tonight so we'll be able to drive home in the morning
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
Her life is filled with shit luck. Its like mother nature is having her period and just taking it out on her specifically.
work has become about six times more interesting since i started fucking my boss.
I stuck my fake eyelashes to his balls after he passed out.
Please tell me that is you having sex in my car in my driveway and not a complete stranger.
Went home with a dude from UF last night. Just dripped chicken onto my phone and then licked it off. Going to pick up a bridesmaid dress. Mid 20s in a nutshell.
Her boyfriend offered to buy me a vibrator. I'm not sure how to feel about that.
i sent him a picture of his friend's dick and told him he should really stop thinking he's my only option.
My hook-up from last week somehow found me at the club, saw the girl I was trying to fuck, kissed me right in front of her, and walked off.
Randomize
