Would it be quicker to bike the freeway home?
I wish i could clap on, clap off my penis
I haven't been "cry when you eat ben and jerrys" high in a while.
like we started out all organized and composed and within thirty mins people were throwing up in the bushes, arguing over a beer bong and jumping in the pool with their clothes on
I'm going to replace you with a friend who will be happy when I find a huge penis
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
She only spoke Russian, but she was so gorgeous it didn't matter
Oh. I think she ate all the cake and took our vodka...still gorgeous.
Saved a life and got us a free vacuum cleaner (and learned vacuum is not spelled "vacumn"). Get on my level.
I'm 50% okay with that amount of body contact... plus/minus 7% based on where blood may flow.
Last night you snap chatted some chick a pic of bottle service with the caption "send tits"
quick, give me some iron man trivia, i'm going to make this girl regret quoting tony stark in her tinder bio
drying my bra with a hair dryer wasn't exactly how I had planned on starting my day.
I just kept hitting the drum to get thru the crowd to the bar. Surprisingly it worked
The sad moment you remember you have no power for a week and can't flush.....
Wrong number bro but that sounds like a damn shame.
We are gonna play a game I like to call what the fuck is in my pocket
Randomize
