Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
Public safety found my id!
And i can't find my bra so i'm assuming they found my bra with my id which would explain the disapproving tone the lady on the phone had.
you were mass sexting so we took your phone away
I JUST FOUND AN INTERNATIONAL POLE DANCING CHAMPIONSHIP IN SPANISH
i want to be friends with one of those mini shredded wheat men.
Btw I'm currently writing a paper in a beer garden. Be proud.
Hey douche face I just want you to know, if you ever got hit by a bus, I'd really miss you.
Only if you died obviously.
It would have been nice to break the dry spell with nice, civilized, sober sex somewhere other than on my friend's couch.
Colombian exchange intern from my Mom's friend's ranch loves me, and is staying the night because we got each other drunk. Successful Christmas? I think yes.
Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
Yesterday we were fuck buddies and today I'm meeting his mom. That escalated quickly.
Can you get winded from lip syncing? I don't know how Britney does it
Everything is fine, it's not hung over in here at all\n\n*Narrator* *but in fact everything was not fine*
you had me at "meet me in the bathroom"
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