haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
what if I'm pregnant?
smusmorshion
If facebook stalking was a job I would totally pown it
my drunken desire to be gossip girl continues to ruin friendships for me
I think I gave almost everyone at that party the clap last night
Aunt Jean just announced that her pubic hair is getting thicker as her head hair gets thinner. As a family we are just not a people of mystery.
dude, never take two tylenol pm and smoke three bowls. i feel like i'm covered in cold ants.
it was really awkward..i thought he had two dicks, but later realized it was jsut his roommate
Im only pretending to be his friend so I can sleep with his girlfriend.
I heard about the break up and if you need a place to stay my vagina is open for you 24/7
Something's wrong. Everything's on fire. Unless it was like that before. Then everything's alright.
The birthday girl is bringing her own barf bucket, it is going to be a good weekend.
Unless you're gonna start buying my underwear, you have got to stop ripping it off of me.
At one point during xmas dinner my whole family was double fisting. It was like thats how I learned to drink moment
We were in his kitchen and she turned to me with a straight face and an avocado in her hand and said "Can we steal this?"
Randomize
