At some point last night I thought pissing in a bottle was an awesome idea when I woke up a little piss was actually in the bottle a lot was on my TV remote
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
What drink are we having for lunch?
I've slipped into the part of my life where I am not having sex to get Phils tickets from this chick. I need to seriously rethink my life decisions
My boss just told me not to come back to work if I decide to drink. Challenge accepted.
Definitely got a blow job in Charles Schwab's bed last night.
I love my job.
I can't help but look at my sex life and acknowledge that this is not normal behavior.
I never thought it would be so hard to find a power hour partner at 2 on a Wednesday
Costco cheesecake and whisky. A night made in heaven
I'm a mess. I mean I almost got off but I'm a fucking rubics cube down there so il givenhim the point
Never drinking before a 6am train again. Just threw up at boarder control and had to pretend it was cause I was pregnant and not cause I trashed.
You make Europe seem so glamorous.
Had a dream we were competing for tomatos.
His beard looks like it smells like beer, cocaine and old pussy juice
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