WTF. you left me with no condoms and you ate all my mac and cheese. scumbag.
you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
I didn't have a rubber, but my dick had a date with a clorox wipe after we finished. I think I'm in the clear.
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
As she was leaving she said "You have an awesome penis, I hope to use it again soon" I need that on a business card to hand out at the bar
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
I've reached the gravitational age where it's very hard to get my face and my boobs in the same shot without some kind of yoga involved .
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
She's legally too young to drink and was making out with a guy who is ethically too old to drink.
I don't care what you say about him, his cock is the stuff dreams are made of.
Will u make me a "6 month anniversary of being single" cake??? I wanna celebrate
He went down on me and then made me breakfast in bed. He's a man you can bring home to mom.
aloe plants are like gummy bears with an exoskeleton, but with healing powers instead of deliciousness.
are you on the drugs???
Can you confirm that you aren't dead?
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