The only thing I want to hear out of a girl's mouth tonight is, "slurp".
Three 40's of Mickeys, is no excuse to be naked at Baskin Robins.
I just tried to pee in a pad to see if it was like a diaper. it's not.
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
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I had a pretty decent weekend -- aside from dropping the baby on her head. That.. That I feel bad about.
well when mom kept referring to my "black hole of a vagina" and how i devoured all the nuts at the party like i was a pro, i figured my stay was up.
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
What do you need? A swimsuit and a liver of steel? What else?
you were holding her above your head singing Circle of Life in what i assume was a Simba reference. then she smacked her head on a bar light and the bouncers kicked you out
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I made a half way decent playlist
Im gonna call it "hanging myself"
I would rather suck a dick or two than go there
If I could steal your goatee and hide it under my bed to keep your from wearing it, I would.
She stripped naked and ran around the outside of the house while I stood by the tent holding her clothes shouting "come back" because I was too drunk to chase her. This is why we can't have nice things.
I'm pretty sure I have PMS because I almost just cried about not being able to find a place that gives acrobat classes here.
my night went from a boring school play to hotboxing a car with 3 criminals
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