1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
I have the worst wedgie. Seriously. Its horible. And there are people everywhere around me.
Slide your hand down the back of your pants and shift to the side slowly
...are you coming on to me?
He kissed a someone with a penis
Did we use protection last night?
Um, no...keep in touch, okay?
So I was gonna stay in tonight but the president got me motivated! I will not quit. Bars here I come.
What's a nice way of saying "You fell asleep, and I got bored, so I made out with your brother"?
i promise the blood crusted on your tits is from him motorboating you after he tripped into the pool stick. nothing else.
Touche. Dude, I fastened garters. Drunk. I deserve a medal from a drag queen.
I am sending my doctor an XXXMas card thanking him for my tits!
Life Lesson #1 of 2013: double-fisting shower beers and shaving my bikini line should be reserved for two different showers.
if there is one thing you splurge on it better be nice condoms
And now you understand the importance of Saturday naps.
Because you stay up all night having sex and eating sushi?
Sometimes the gods of alcohol choose to take you on a mysterious journey and you just have to go with it
She was all for the threesome til I showed her a pic of my boyfriend. I think I should re-evaluate my life decisions.
You ran up to my room. I was naked. You refused to leave without drugs. I love you.
Randomize
