I'm not looking forward to the waking up early part. Or actually the wedding part. Or the reception part. But I am looking forward to the meaningless sex with some random guy I meet at the reception part.
If the pens lose tonight I'm gonna drive to Detroit and burn 8 mile to the ground.
Actually I may do that regardless. Probably get my own holiday.
I dont remember anything after Tequila & Apple Juice. May have disovered the recipe for mental bleach.
Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
If he comes back to you and I'm left alone in lonelytown I'm totally going to poo on your car.
only you would photoshop your dick
She told me to stay away from him cause apparently he fucks anything that walks. clearly i responded with..."i walk"
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
Hungover like ... in bed with the Brita pitcher and a straw, only opening one eye at a time.
I'm not entirely sure what we did is legal in the U.S., but I know that couple wont be the same
Over 50% of the drunkest nights I have ever had began with me saying "I'll just drink my dinner" to you.
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
gonna guess the empty vodka bottle and open can of tuna in the bathroom drawer are related?
I ask for a dick pic and he sends a picture of Dick Cheney. Who does that?
I mean, it's good for a lot of things. Just not the inside of your vagina
Well neither is bbq sauce but I dont judge kinks
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