He made me pinky-promise that he gave me an orgasm.
She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
I learned his name tonight. This now makes him a real person. Obviously, I no longer want to sleep with him.
By the way, she says hi. At least I think she did since she licked my phone
You fought the bouncer and lost, then challenged a hobo to a 40 chugging contest and lost. Sobriety is a good life choice.
Sounds good. Stay safe. I'm kind of drunk in a Food 4 Less right now and I'm having the time of my life.
We really gotta change brands again because 2-ply is making us feel like the celebrities we aren't.
The best was when you were crying, and trying to get the bouncer to "understand you AS A HUMAN BEING"
If a marine in My bed is not considered a valid excuse for missing class then I don't want to live in America anymore
But there's never enough margarita money.
This is going to be one of those situations where we lose a day, isn't it
The night was crazy enough that we did a workout. Instructed by the bouncer at 2am
she's p upset bro
Where is he. I have a sword.
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
I told you I couldn't sleep because of the speed and you rolled over and replied "shh. just pretend."
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
Randomize
