I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
We all need desperate help. Maybe we should just become a group of people who walk around town and shit in peoples air vents
I'm down.
right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
My dad just questioned my drinking habits... Clearly he doesn't know what kind of college education he's paying for
Her brother is deaf.
no wonder she was so good with her hands
He started to lose his balance halfway through his "commencement speech" at the top of the staircase. The rest is bloody, profanity-laiden history.
I'm setting a 12:15 alarm for a taco bell run. Be awake or never wake up again.
The last thing I want is a chocolate mold of my cock competing with my real cock for time spent in your mouth
Well, I'm at the grocery store wondering whether I exist or not.
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
Guys always stop talking to me right around the point that if they bought me food a couple times I would probably have sex with them.
she wanted me to tie her up with my playstation charger cord. i kept on hoping she wasn't a squirter. those cords r expensive. could have def been a Sony commercial tho
Also, what day were you thinkin we should trip balls at the children's museum?
Heard I spat fire in your face last night. Wish I could say that I'm sorry
House vote, we're revoking your 151 privileges
I'm sorry.
I possibly am a tad bit not really but maybe slightly intoxicated.
Randomize
