The sex was great until she started shouting, "Succeed!, Succeed!" Then it was like I was fucking a motivational speaker. Awkward.
not only did i climb through the window at 4 am but here i am 4 hours later for my interview at the mall and i'm staring in the dark pet store barking at puppies
I woke up alone at my apt. On the floor with the door wide open, but still. Success.
He told me I had nice tits + they have a great shape. + then proceeded to flatten my boob + show me what the gross tits he's seen look like.
It doesn't matter how many beers you've had, it's unacceptable to piss in someone's helmet after a playoff win.
BECKY! ITS ANDY FROM LAST NIGHT WITH THE PILL
Andy, Sorry you have the wrong number. But good luck with Becky!
But you're the one who should be jamming foreign objects into my vaj instead of an old weird lady. I mean, it is your birthday....
Dude you of all people would miss her giving him a handjob in front of the whole party
Lol, you asked the waitress to box up someone else's discarded food last night
I went through his pics. Will you go with me to get tested?
Hey, I'm making progress. I haven't thrown up in a bar while wearing a sweater vest in almost two months.
I stopped hooking up with him and ran to the bathroom to throw up. He saw me throwing up and it made him throw up
I buy a new bowl every time I get a new guy. It's retail therapy.
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
Hammered...8am...why is there chickens in the living room?
Randomize
