Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
I went to moterboat her and I started laughing, so I just kinda blew on them... I think I'm gona call that move the sailboat.
I feel like Captain Blackout doesn't do her justice. Brigadier General Blackout is much better.
I just found ouut you can get a DUI in a kayak. Fuck.
I'm cooking a can of baked beans on the baseboard heater. It is too early in the semester to be this poor.
Just hooked up with a girl I met in line at Taco Bell. I told you leave me to do my own thing and I'll get it in
She asked if i could guess "what shape her carpet was". I got it wrong (christmas tree).
I'm just gonna start letting dudes eat it. American idol for my vagina
Regret, thy taste is box wine.
He's easy on the eyes, light on his feet, and rough in bed...what more could a girl ask for in a rebound?
I think my favorite day of the week is the day we get to fuck
The moment buddy the elf found out he was human is exactly like the moment I realized I was gay
So, I actually said the words "but face tattoos are sexy"
I had sex with a boy who lives in a closet, that's like having sex with Harry Potter, right?
Fuck off. Since when do you love him??
Since he licked my arm to retrieve the macaroni and cheese he dropped. You have to appreciate that
Can't even lie. Mad respect
Randomize
