There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
Stop. You don't mean that. Tequila might mean that. But you don't mean that.
i refuse to live in a world where loud threesomes in your own apartment are referred to as "rude"
did you yell "are you not entertained?"
apparently breaking a beer bottle and then throwing up in a urinal is a terrible way to pick up girls.
We drank a $4 handle of tequila until 5 am. Please think about that.
Freshman ate returning to campus. Let Operation Slut Storm commence.
I'm drunk and you're awesome. let's stay this way forever.
This weekend has taught me that sometimes, being buried under a mattress is the safest place in the room.
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
She asked what it would take for you to fuck her. You drunkenly mumbled, "pepperoni pizza" and then got in the cab by yourself. You were smiling too. It was weird.
I didn't know your ex looked like a male Khloe Kardashian?
Pregnancy test = positive. Hope you still have our old guess who game 'cause daddy elimination begins now.
Sorry I sent you a video of a singing reverend last night, I was really high.
Guess who isn't pregnant with a random sex ocean baby?!?!
It's election day and I was just tied up with an American flag scarf
Randomize
