My hand turned me down
I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
I had to have the lights off to hide my face. I was laughing so hard I almost peed in her mouth
At least the cops kept you away from sleeping with her. Protect and Serve.
I know, but I was really high and I felt like a failure dragon because I could only blow smoke, no fire.
I'm this close to masturbating to his profile pics from 2006
I think he's in need of mouth to penis resuscitation. Which I happen to be certified
Dude shes not that fat. Plus, last night I probably would've done it too.
I got eye-fucked by an 80 year old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?
So I think my aunt and her one legged boyfriend are getting it on in the next room. Traumatized does not even begin to describe what I am right now
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
Teeth make me feel like a dinosaur. Can you feel yours?
The last thing I remember was wearing a sombrero and trying to do cartwheels in the club
You did one successfully. Then smashed into the wall
I literally have nothing else left to cut besides my drug budget; the dark days are among us
I chased him for half a mile, lost him then somehow ended up at his house. Is that still considered stalking? I WAS drunk.
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