Jake died.
WTF????????? That's how you tell me????
Oops typo. Jake cried.
She fucked me because she said I looked like Neil Patrick Harris
I watched her choke out a bouncer with the broken strap from her purse, I think shes the one.
Dwarf fight at five guys. Today was a good day.
and I'm sitting five inches from the tv scrunched up in a ball watching doug. It's like I'm five again...except I'm more stoned than the dude who created this show
Just so we're clear this time around: This is dinner with my FAMILY. Not an opportunity for you to drink too much, and use the word "dick-thumpin" in casual conversation.
You said that you were drinking out of a pan, and then went on to apologise to 'Jesus and all the other guys' for drinking on a Sunday.
This coke is making my nose hairs dance. That good.
I just traded ecstasy for trapeze lessons...you in?
I want to go to a gay rodeo for my cross country road trip. It'll be like my very own homo country boy pilgrimage to the holy land.
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
Oh god theyre drunkenly throwing knifes now, definitely the best movie I've worked on
She swallowed the car key because she thought we were really going to make her drive.
as i was trying not to drunkingly fall off her toliet, i noticed her socks laying there. i quickly grabbed them, ran upstairs, and excitingly asked her if she had gotten them at sams club. she replied with, "...those are your socks."
One day I'm going to get tired of waking up and wondering where the glow sticks on the floor came from.
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