I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
WHY CAN'T YOU EVER SHIT LIKE A NORMAL PERSON, JESSE.
I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
just once i'd like the "right thing" and the "topless thing" to be the SAME THING
He googled the address of the bar, then sent me a text saying "6.3 miles. Too far. :( Apparently I am only worth a 5 mile radius.
Tough to say exactly how to play this. I just know people don't like surprises when genitals are involved.
my mouth is as dry as a post-menopausal camel on antidepressant's vagina.
My nipple piercings are like the guardrails, that's why they feel so safe.
It's a never ending cycle of men I've fucked knowing other men I've fucked. I need a new town.
Opened my purse to realize I have someone else's birth certificate. What happens to me in college?
Ahh, 151. Think of it this way: it took one shot to get you buzzed, I took eight. I may or may not have broken a tv with my skull that night and met someone's parents naked and hungover the next morning.
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
Well I didn't spend $7 on an Uber just to get limp dick
Someone fucked a stripper in their rental car, there is goddamn glitter everywhere.
I love you even if you are fucked up. If you fall, i'll just get on top of you.
Randomize
