Did Neil Armstrong say the moon was too far away! NO! He built himself a fucking rocketship is what he did!
I need to find out who his wife is so I can fuck her before he gets to mine.
Never let Scott cook bacon and eggs at 2am while drunk. You should have seen the flames.
I don't know what happened last night but I woke up this morning with "wolf pack" tattooed on my knuckles.
my mom found all the used condoms in my bed side table
whatd she say to you?
no words- put them all in a circle, put the bible in the middle
When health care reform is passed, I'm throwing a kegger
You are the reason we need health care reform
I wish i could put a picture of my ass of my resume...that seems to be the only way i will ever get hired
my brother walked in while we were fucking, silently took my bong from my closet, saluted us and walked out.
Saw an eatery called Rusty Taco. That sooo could be me.
My boyfriend just sent me flowers. I am now crying at the fact i fucked my fat neighbor. God please help me.
this must be what syphilis tastes like
Shhhh less advice, more soothing words and dirty phrases
Drunk me started making nachos apparently but never got to the part with the cheese. There are chips everywhere
I also have bagel bites. I know that's not as big an incentive as the cocksucking but.....
I was drunk, but not drunk enough to forget I had some dude on his knees begging for forgiveness.
Randomize
