I'm a grown ass woman and I'm sitting in bed eating pizza at 4:30 a.m. BFD, right?
eh.. i should've known it was headed downhill after he used the phrase "pussy sundae"
all i need in life is blowjobs and white cheddar cheezits
while 90% of the female population goes to worship a fictional character tonight at midnight, I will be taking advantage of having the bars ALL TO MYSELF.
Her boobs looked like leather oven mitts. No more cougar hunting for awhile.
I feel like now would be a good time to apologize for vomiting in your eye
I AM THE KING OF THE FRESHMEN
how did i know this would happen?
THAT IS NOT SOMETHING YOU TELL SOMEBODY THE FIRST TIME YOU MEET THEM IN THE DARK.
She called us while she was having sex to ask if we remembered to feed the cat
I dont understand how her boyfriend puts up with her weirdness
Just thought you should know, Im with josh now. Im no longer available for rent. I have a full time tenant now. Like, a year long lease at least.
You sent 2 glasses of water to the table next us and told to the waitress they were on you. I repeat: water
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
Just had my butthole waxed. If that changes your plans for Saturday..
Dude, someone puked in my washing machine last night, I tried turning it on to clean it...not a good idea
dude I fucking saw you snort tequila
Randomize
