Bea Arthur died! :(
What?
Big bird passed.
so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
We were doing it doggy style, and I puked on the floor and started crying, he told me it was okay his cat would eat it... and if it would make me feel better we could do anal...
And they lived happily ever after....
So then the officer asked you how you were getting home and you told him "very carefully"
Roller skating + drunkeness + peeing = mess
That was a $3000 rug we rolled him down the hill in.
Amazing. Super drunk. We stole a street sign in a golf cart and went around jousting trash cans all night.
I tried giving you a bj last night and all you could manage was "Haha that tickles" and "in the morning"
Just saw 1 guy dressed as a cow and another dressed as a shrimp dancing on the side of the road. We're turning around I NEED to dance with them.
You always have that cute deer in the headlights look. Thats what made showing you my penis for the first time so disconcerting.
He actually offered up a silent prayer thanking God for my "tremendous ass." You tell me how my night is going.
I'm about to start putting my tampons in the microwave for a few seconds these plastics applicators and this weather don't mix
I feel like the universe head butted me in my balls. That hungover.
.... My lady balls. Cuz I'm a lady.
Just so u know, "come here buckey" has no effect on ur cat, but "hey fucker you wanna get high or what?" will cause him to run from the other room knocking shit over. We smoked outta the gravity bong, then he went and ate.
He unliked all of my pictures on instagram, I don't know whats worse, the fact that he did it or the fact that I noticed..
Randomize
