my mouth tastes like poor choices
Assholes at mcdonalds drive through wouldn't serve us last night even though we said we were on small motorcycles that were to small for them to see and weren't heavy enough for the sensors. We made noises and everything.
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
I feel like I've been slapped by Gods icy cold dick of vengeance.
Despite fighting the urge to vomit throughout the whole thing, I think that interview went really well!
I mostly enjoyed dancing with him because his boner was scratching my bug bites.
You described pouring milk in your strawberry cereal as a glittering magnificent water fall, skimming over the mountain and little strawberry citizens.
He realized that I was watching deadliest catch while we were jerkin off on FaceTime.
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
I've spent hours masturbating before. It's actually my favorite Sunday activity
So, I ran into Garrett last night in the laundry room.
Oh really? First post break-up run in. How'd it go? Awkward?
Um. We had sex on a washing machine.
Remember how I made that resolution to remain celibate for 6 months? Well, I just broke that
You literally made that 4 hours ago...
sober me doesnt really want him anymore, but when drunk me takes over, she might want him, and god only knows the shit that might happen with drunk me.
We just had a contest for who has less of a gag reflex...I am sad to admit that my mother won.
Sorry. I was preoccupied thinking about penises
Randomize
