remember tomorrow: you burned the inside of your nose with incense. it hurt.
i think the sales of Rosetta Stone are directly related to the size of that woman's tit's
totally watching dr. phil and getting eaten out right now. be jealous.
He just did blow off my nipples. He's not serious about his girlfriend.
I've gone to the bathroom 3 times. And forgot to pee. 3 times. Let's say we call it a night, I need to be found. I see a fish tank by the bar and some stairs.
Remember when spice girls "Two Become One" came on just as we were about to fuck? talk about a boner jam
I HAVE A PIGEON IN MY JACKET.
perfect irony that i'm celebrating international women's day with a yeast infection
I just explained it as we hate everyone in the world more then we hate each other. Thus making us friends. Plus we drink...a lot
I think drinking is the foundation of our friendship
I talk a lot when I drink rum. he was going down on me and i was telling him how i wished i could tap dance. oh god
I left my panties in the microwave for too long and they caught on fire
when i woke up with 300+ messages I didn't except them to be about coyotes and burning shoes.
Facebook: “Hey you fucked on a diving board, you should probably should wish him a happy birthday”
I’m gonna slowly take you in my mouth and push you deep into my throat so my lips are right up against your body and then I’m gonna fucking bite your shit off if one more of our friends shows me a snap you took while I was giving you head. Are we clear?
My boss just offered me a vodka mixed drink at work I do not have a real job
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