apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
Just spent five minutes taking pictures of my hands for some random guy.
Thanks for reminding me why I talk about you behind your back. Get laid.
Five Mah tais Laser and i skill have not drunk dial you
Horrible. I told her my girlfriend is in the hospital and she tried to give me a lapdance.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Sean getting laid is an anomaly, Sean banging the hottest single girl at the wedding is a fucking unicorn being ridden by a leprechaun walking through mordor.
Well that's the first time I've woken up with wet jorts
New York City is dangerous when the only bars you go to are the ones that have 'open' in front
Sex is always the answer.
Especially if the question is: what have I not had this year?
WHY ARE THERE SO MANY BURPS IN MY SMALL, INCREDIBLY ATTRACTIVE BODY
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Something tells me your "Titties for Tracy Morgan" fundraiser won't pan out.
every time someone would wish me happy birthday I would be like "thanks happy birthday to you too"
this is a save-me-from-tijuana-tequila-and-hoookers booty call. if i don't hear from you by 8pm i'm grabbing my passport
if i'm not back tomorrow call the embassy
honestly i've never been more attracted to you than when you threw up on my floor
at least he now gets to tell people how he once threw a party so epic that the next day they had to clean some girl's body paint off the ceiling
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
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