She said I could do whatever I wanted to her. I pumped for 20 seconds, apologized, rolled over and passed out. I sit directly across from her at work. Awkward?
the guy i hooked up with is asleep on our couch. please dont fuck him.
the chick you hooked up with on my couch facebook friended me.
just thought you should know her name is kristen
I just realized I've stolen a hat from every guy I fucked. Except the last one. Maybe there is hope for me.
they're like a gay fantastic four
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
So, I'm stoned at his house petting the neighbors cat I made him steal.
You're a fucking train wreck.
Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.
Correct me if I'm wrong, but did you let me pee in the grass while barking? And also, how many of you have videos?
You have no idea what this goes for my ego. I literally made you cum in your sleep.
Well you ended up trying to convince two Greek girls that you were Greek, but failed massively by shouting at them in Spanish, and then almost vomiting after taking way too much snuff. Maybe lay off the guinness next time?
I rewarded myself with Taco Bell tonight for going a full week without punching my roommates in the face or wishing bodily harm on them.
Tonight I'm getting fucked up for America because Lord knows we need it.
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
I'm not gonna lie. I need sex like plants need water right now. I just need the dick.
Randomize
