Have you ever had champagne poured on you during sex? It was like a rap video
Today a TA in one of my classes told me he thought I was 35 and going back to school as an adult learner. Alcohol is working me.
I woke up pulling sunflower seeds out of my vagina. That kind of night.
You guys better make it up to the cabin in time for mud wrestling on Saturday. I'm not kidding. You know when I joke, and now is not one of those times.
He's yummy.
HE'S GAY. AND 40.
Irrelevant.
The police woke me up so they had no choice but to see my morning wood.
1st rule of birth control pills: do not stop taking birth control pills. 2nd rule of birth control pills: do NOT STOP taking birth control pills.
I've got my wine, though it wasnt very good so I threw a sour patch kid in it
Until they make a bed that bathes you in your sleep, I will not be satisfied.
PUB CRAWL IS THE WEEK I COME BACK FROM NOLA OMG OMG OMG. Has it been a year already since I tried to make out with you and you let a bar tender take a shot out of your cleavage? Time flies.
Do you think I need to report to HR that the intern and I had butt sex?
she paid $15 and a box of cheerios for their acid
IM TRYING TO SAY GOODNIGHT STOP FOR LIKE FIVE SECONDS WITH THE DICK SUCKING
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
Randomize
