My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
Jus posted an album so big that it takes my manhood into question
He was probably pissed, but i couldn't tell for sure. How pissed can someone really look while holding a fishbowl mimosa?
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
I am a terrible person. This is almost as bad as when I was going to see my ex while my boyfriend was at that funeral.
Semen is not good for contacts.
I am now best friends with a lesbian named Zulu. I am pretty hammered already and made a game time decision to stay here another night,for partying purposes
Dude. The only thing that I use less than my dick is my tennis racket. We need to play.
IS SOBER OCTOBER A THING?? WTF WHO ARE THESE PEOPLE?
It's not a real holiday until someone pees on you. Did someone pee on you?
What is your life?
A tangled mess of finals and bad decisions.
Couldn't find my swimsuit top anywhere this morning but finally found it in the skimmer of the pool so thats how my night apparently went
I woke up with broken tostitos all over my bed and a snap chat of myself flipping off the camera.
Thanks. It's every girl's dream, right? To blow a bald marketing consultant 12 years her senior?
Why let a Christmas Eve hangover ruin a perfectly good Christmas Day acid trip?
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