i wish starbucks made bloody marys
i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
I saw Winona at my church today. She has boobs, now.
Miracles do happen.
we made out inside of a kiddie slide for about 20 mins. it was the sexiest, most suffocating experience I've ever had
literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
I am at the point where deciding not to drink alone is worth a rocky music montage in and of itself.
Since i didn't have a condom I told him to use jump ship method, I think I was overly invested in my sailor costume this year.
I think my goal for this black wed is to not scream at an off duty state cop in a bar after trying to flirt with him. No need to make that an annual tradition
im not trying to sound dramatic, but im covered in microwavable lasagna
Dude, she doesn't even live here... She just can't eat all our food and masturbate on my dog's couch...
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
So, I have realized that I am kryptonite for married men. I'm not sure how to feel about this sober, but drunk me accepts her destiny.
Not entirely sure how I got drunk off 2 mimosas but here I am
I haven’t taken my socks off in over 36 hours. I should add that to my bumble profile.
IT'S PERFEFT
... what?
HIS DICK. IT'S PERFECT. BYE.
Randomize
