you kept wiggling your finger at everybody at the party telling us this is how he fingered me. you seemed pretty upset about it.
Either she got face surgery at midnight, or i need to stop drinking...
ya i found him eventually. hes the only one who drinks guiness so I just had to follow the darkest green puke trail
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
I woke up to blood crusted on my face. I don't understand
team rage. no explanation necessary
Balls are wasted. Waste are ballsted. Ballsd wasted
well we could tame deer to let us ride on them. does that work?
Some guy just yelled at me from his car "CLIIIIIIIIIITT"... I feel like this has something to do with last night....
perfect. if all else fails remind him how anxious he is. talk real fast and induce a panic attack that only I can remedy with xanax.
I love how you sexted me before you told me happy birthday. Thank you.
I tried to steal a Mike's Hard sign last night but it didn't work out
why what happened?
Well it was going fine.. until the bouncer noticed the three foot steel lemon sticking out of my jacket.
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
Wait..I'm drunk and butt naked making a pizza. Happy Wednesday.
Im quite confident that my struggle with sobriety ended last night sometime after dinner
Listen, i know this is weird for you, but as your fuck buddy, id prefer if you didnt fuck her.
Youre asking too much from me
Randomize
