Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
After he came inside me, he made us hold hands and pray that I wasn't pregnant.
im downtown. alone. lost. drunk. dressed as santa. dont find me. i just heard someone say mechanical bull.
Jon thought he was that blonde chick from Three's Company when he was shrooming
I hope I take a shit on your face in your dreams tonight.
Jazzercise themed birthday pub crawl. 6 bars in 6 hours.everyone was a hot mess.
I am too young to be this hungover
Is this your way of saying you want a sober 19th?
We are buying drugs from a guy with a Jesus fish on his dodge caravan.
just tried to scoop ice cream with a steak knife. now in the emergency room with a the cab diver and the drag queen he picked up on the way. its gonna be a loooong day.
You're not horrible. Thank you for my pandas.
I'm cleaning my apartment while naked. Anyone who says that's not why they want to live on their own is lying.
We were kinda loud so his roommate woke up and to make up for it he invited him to a threesome. I can't drink whiskey anymore.
You didnt text me.. I'm on your street with golf clubs
Randomize
