What can i say, inner beauty is great but it makes a hard picture to jack off to
He just said "fuck you" to the bowl he's eating things out of
He managed to get his pants on, so the cop just sat there facing us with his lights shining in the car. I made shadow puppets.
On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"
I still can't believe you had sex with someone who willingly went by Peaches.
I found him in bed on a pullout couch with another dude. He had two empty puke buckets and his empty bottle of jagermeister right by his head.
Sooo Zach and Judd are on my porch drunk eating leaves and flowers...
" my drug dealer just stopped by and did an elmo impression for my 2 year old nephew."
I can't believe I got dumped for a fat chick, but at least I got four and a half years worth of free shit. So we can call it even.
and idk now I have nine bags of lettuce in my fridge
Also, asking the guy who just told you he is crippled on edibles to watch your kid is probably frowned upon by most
How are you and your magical vagina doing today?
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
but like who hasn’t gotten fingered at the state fair?
Ahhh, the bane of our relationship.... His mediocre penis
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