i'm chasing tequila w mint flavored ice cream, phil's chasing it w cream cheese, bashar's chasing it w pickles...i think we all know who the winner is....
Standing here next to my mom talking to my friend trying to act like he doesn't sell me E every weekend.
I guess the cop knew i was on a walk of shame and felt bad...i got to play with the siren the rest of the way home
His shopping cart was nothing but malt liquor and zucchini.
when "blow-job jen" drunk dials you at 3 in the morning, you answer
This is a whole other level of drinking. Like the I used to eat paste with these people kinda drinking.
Not gonna lie i was comfortable between the allsups air conditioners while you were talking to the cop.
I mean...he was throwing up for almost 3 consecutive hours. I don't think there's a chance in hell that would have tasted even close to tolerable.
I wanna get shitfaced and yell about Tim tebow
Dude. I'm busy doing PR for America. FOR AMERICA. Europeans think we can't handle liquor.
I'm pretty sure there a million tiny ninjas in my uterus poking me with sticks.
Not much, just taking another sorting hat quiz while waiting for this porno to finish buffering
I felt like I should've driven him home but I was holding in a fart and just needed him to leave
its not much but to go through all that to ask for half a balls worth of money was so stressful
CTFD. There’s plenty of dick in the sea! This is Vegas, we import dick. \nWorst case scenario we get a rental penis
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