omg. I had the wrong window open and I accidentaly posted my credit card # on twitter
Whats your twitter name
Just soaked up some whiskey with a paper towel and then squeezed it into a cup for consumption. New low.
Her little brother was home, so we had to hook up while playing hide and seek with him
I JUST WOKE UP ON A TRAIN
I SHUDNT B ON A TRAIN
Now he's talking about how he's writing in a journal because he doesn't remember "his thought patterns when he was in elementary and that's distressing". I'm walking home. Fuck this.
you wouldn't believe how quickly birth control dissolves in vodka
I cant believe you went home with her.. Your poor immune system and the shit you put it through.
I hope they realize that to me "collecting their mail" is synonymous with "fucking in every room in their house, and twice in the party shower."
I just used a baby fork as a roach clip. I am totally the cool aunt.
In the world of sexual, erotic texting, you rank somewhere between "how much teeth do you want" and "how dry do you want it"
Peanut butter fills the cracks of my heart
You sent 2 glasses of water to the table next us and told to the waitress they were on you. I repeat: water
So it turns out strippers do encores if enough people yell. Encore song: Self Esteem.
Where are you guys?
Drunk
Dude I had my dad cock block me once
Randomize
