at some point when you're making out with the ex girlfriend of your ex fuck buddy who happens to be the ex boyfriend of the girl that you just got drunk with who was hitting on your current fuck buddy who is best friends with your ex boyfriend, it just hits you: oh my god i need to get out more and expand my social circle.
my orientation roommate looks just like New York of Flavor Flav fame
i googled "where to have sex in disneyland." i found nothing.
Tell mom and/or dad that I am going to be home late. I am really blazed. Don't tell them that part, though.
Woman walking into toby keith concert: 8 months pregnant, black eye, shirt on that has a picture of a boot and the words "we'll put a boot up your ass" with an american flag printed over--the sleeves were ripped off and she had a camo cowboy hat. Greatest thing I've ever seen.
Today should be called shooting fish in a barrel day. Every place ive gone to ive met a girl who regrets not hooking up last night. There have not been girls this easy since Fathers Day
you'll never guess what i found when i got home...
a cake, in the toilet
he called me back to his office so he could lick a line of pixie stick off of my thigh
be sure to add "office slut" to your resume
I remember sitting there at the toilet, bleeding everywhere and thinking, "I walked from my bedroom to here. What happened?"
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
How do you feel?
Like the devil himself shit me out, baked me into a pie, ate the pie, and shit me out again.
I'm smoking a bowl with matches and a candle while my mother washes dishes downstairs. I thought adulthood was supposed to be different.
I need to get off of her emotional roller coaster. I've been on it for a fucking year and I've been throwing up the entire time.
No one with a hairstyle like that is allowed to insult anyone for anything
At one point she put on my dads pants and yelled after him EMILIOOOO! Dude, my dads name is Mark.
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