our health teacher's ringtone is Bad Romance and she has a tramp stamp. i will not skip this class, ever.
he kept doing his monologue, "if a vagina could talk."
once you have herpes you dont really care what goes in your mouth anymore.
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
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Just witnessed a bar fight started by a guy wearing a construction vest cuz he didn't like the other guys shirt
So the dude who sold me my english book is the same guy who let me punch him in the face in exchange for a cig at a party a few weeks ago. small world huh ?
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
All my interactions with my brother are drug deals at this point
I'm scared to touch anything in this apartment. Even the ceiling.
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When she says 'Polish hangover cure' she just means more vodka. Don't do it.
So what's your itinerary for Amsterdam?
Show up, get drunk, get laid, try not to miss my flight home.
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
I was sleeping and woke up in the bathroom already puking like i slept walk. Perrrrrrfect.
You need to get out of there before he falls in love with you.
I just broke into my house with a butter knife. It kinda scares me just how easy that was.
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