New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
I got a lot accomplished today, and the day is still young! I built a fort, hot boxed a fort, had a tea party in a fort, and now realizing how high I am.
Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
Holy shit. This 2 year old just told me her nipples were for her boyfriend. Hello future leaders of america
It was huge And he was twirling it around. Im telling you, beautiful wonderpenis
It was awesome explaining why I had a tiger with boxers in my bed, a little bit drunk, to a girl in a pre-sex moment
I was just reelected president of justgotlaidsylvania
The assistant vp has a bottle of wine on his desk & I have a feeling my boobs will be making an appearance today.
Just bought the plane tickets. Light headed. Blood rush to clit oh god blue clit. Mayday mayday vagina down!
I'm mentally preparing myself to hang out with him by staring into the mirror saying "thou shalt not get naked" over and over.
I'm sitting in Starbucks, waiting for direction in my life, or it to be 8 p.m. Whatever comes first.
Like don't initiate a threesome when we're all watching SPONGEBOB. That's like sacrilege.
Update: I spent 10 minutes trying to fish out a rogue vagina weight.
See that doesn't work because we've had sex so its awkward for you to call me mom
a day off where I don’t get laid would be worthless
Randomize
