After he proceded to violently molest my tits until 9 am i snuck out of his room only to meet his mother downstairs, who informed me she heard the giant sexfest going on in the room next to them.. this was before she called us both "chickenshits".. worst walk of shame ever.
Its a sad when the highlight of your day is flicking a booger and actually getting it to stick to your computer monitor.
he cried for an hour, then he threw up on my lap then started singing party in the usa...opera style...
he just called me skinny, hes either trying to get laid, or i'm going to have to marry this man
I'm guessing "whatever I can get" wasn't the reply the nurse wanted when asking what med I need. Oh, and asked for a cartoon band-aid.
Just saw a porn entitled "Nad Biter". Redheads are now forever out of the picture.
Somehow she slept thru the vacuuming, people walking in and out, and the sound of constant beer bottles hitting the trash, but when someone said weed in a regular volume of voice she startled awake.
She ate the cookie then went to the emergency room. Now her fam is pressing charges. Don't people understand you DON'T steal baked goods from potheads??
He has pizza coupons and a hammer next to his toilet.
Saxophones in my mind. I swear someone dosed me.
You told the cashier at McDonald's not to smell the ones cause you had just got back from the strip club. Good deed.
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
When the strippers start dancing to Christmas songs it's time to get the fuck out!
Got drunkdialed by my estranged mom while wallowing in pinkeye drinking 100 proof eating ramen alone. Year summed up perfectly.
Did you just email Kelly and I gay dinosaur erotica?
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