if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
I have a dream, to one day wake up next to a girl, walk to the washroom and kick her kids toys out of the way. That day has come, yes we can.
I don't smoke a lot but now and then I do. Weed and I are like still standing naked in a bathroom together deciding if we should blow one another or bolt for the exit. An awkward relationship.
maybe i get so drunk and make stupid mistakes cuz Subconsiously im preparing for my real world debut
Don't worry. I just took 2 benadryls and beat off. I'm practically sleep texting
I havnt had this much beer since i losodt my virginity. thank. god.
For once I'm glad there wasn't morning sex. Yes, that sore from the night before.
Now that Steinbrenner is in heaven he's going to make Jesus cut his hair
For future reference, when you see people who look like Rosie O'donell, do not tell them they look like Rosie O'donell.
high as fuck. watching parent trap with my mom. keep missing my mouth.
the last thing i remember is yelling at the cab driver that i'm really good at drive by vomitting.
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
DONT EVER DUNK OREOS INTO WINE . NEVER
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
Would it be sad if I made a blanket fort to get drunk in till the power came back?
Randomize
