I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
i just walked by a road side game of beer pong? it's gonna be a long day
I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
Friend I haven't seen in almost a year just IMed me to let me know that my mom stuck her boob out the window on the freeway at her.
Her mom responded by mooning my mother. I really don't know what's worse.
just hang any plant up and call it mistletoe.
his electricity got shut off. i felt like a pilgrim searching for his dick.
i would think by now you'd realize that my penis does whatever the fuck it wants and i have no control over the situation
I'd appreciated it if you didn't lick my boyfriends face again. I'm askin nicely. Thank you.
I knew I fucked up when I woke up with the meat scissors in my hand.
Dude, you passed out sitting straight up AND in mid sentence last night
Drunk me wrote a bucket list last night. #4 is "hate fuck a childhood enemy". Can we make this happen?
I'M MAKING HIKING PLANS WITH THE GIRL WHO IS DATING MY EX, THAT IS PERSONAL FUCKING GROWTH
I just got high off one hit and the. Spent 20 minutes inspecting the gasket of our refridgerator and researching ways to replace it
It was like being run over by an orgasm freight train.
it's like that time i was drunk at relay for life. but with balloon animals...
Randomize
