I can't sleep so instead I'm thinking of all the things I would love to do to you right now
That's weird, I usually just count sheep
I seriously just caught my 15 year old little sister with a positive pregnancy test coming out of the bathroom. Honest to God.
I have a coat hanger and a baseball bat. Her choice.
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
I just did the nutritional comparison between 2% milk and Bud Light Lime.. the beer had less calories, less carbs, and less fat. It's not looking good for milk in my life anymore
Between cock and motorcycle I'm glad I don't have to sit at work tomorrow
getting kicked in the face by someone doing a keg stand. just my luck
It was worse than when we pepper-sprayed my dick. I feel mislead.
I'm pretty sure I just woke up to one of the airport janitors saying that she wanted to tie me up and do something.. I couldn't hear what, thank god
I just kept screaming "I'm fucking a preacher's son!" Also, this water tastes like weed.
If you can handle my post-party look you da real MVP
Everyday this week I have woken up to a different dick pic. It's like a dick pic a day calendar!
I'm still drunk, my mom is throwing up, and there is a random Irish guy out getting our house breakfast right now. Wednesday's are my bitch.
Dude, I'm sorry if you saw me getting head in my truck last night. My bad.
Sorry I missed your birthday party. I caught a dick and rode it to O-Town
I've struck affair-gold. He's hot, he's ripped, he doesn't want a relationship, and most importantly he won't have to ask Gods permission to bang me like the last religious nut job did.
Randomize
