im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
so while trying to be a healthier drunk i discovered that putting airborne in natty is not an advisable decision
So I think I just got a job offer from the guy I used to blow. See, networking pays off.
Some rando is vomiting profusely into the garden outside the employee entrance. Where are you when things like this happen to me?
Vomiting outside the employee entrance
I got offered a handle of vodka and tomato soup to bring his dog home. He knows me all too well.
I've always wanted to pass out in a bathtub
I think most people do. Your only real mistake was turning the water on first.
I never thought the first time a taser would be used on me would be at an applebees
If you're asking how many times you took off your clothes and played with the tiki torches.....the answer is 3.
I was high last night eating a fudge bar and making eggs with toast and corned beef hash for a 2 am snack and my dad asked what I was and the only reply I could think of was "I'm an adult."
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
OH MY GOD REMEMBER ALL THAT I LOVE NEW YORK I DVRED BECAUSE I JUST DID
girls shouldnt black out with american flag bandaids on their nips
I think I should've done my makeup before I took the acid. Because now I just feel silly looking at myself in the mirror
Ugh. It's days like these that make me wish my bad habits would kill me faster
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