so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
she's got a whisker from her dead cat taped to the wall. I'm pretty sure that about sums it up...
felt a little awkward waiting for my McNuggets after vomiting all over the counter
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
It went from "haha, this will be funny" to "full blown anime porn fetish"
So you threw a sword at me last night
I honestly wish I could say that I was surprised.
I'm gonna make this happen. You think it would be too forward to text him my room number with turn by turn directions straight to my crotch?
He's trying to get everyone in the bathtub for a team meeting about how we're gonna find his car. Which is parked outside. Think we should cut him off?
That penis you're staring at is the penis of heartbreak. Stay away. It will break your heart AND keep you away from other penises. BACK. OFF. THE PENIS.
There's a point around the one and a half minute mark where the keg stand goes from impressive to pathetic
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
im gonna shove his purity ring down his throat
My thoughts mid terrible hookup: do people normally read a magazine right about now?
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
Randomize
