I specifically asked you not to be slutty tonight.
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
Some guy just delivered flowers to my roommate cause he fell off a roof onto her at a party last night. I think they have a date tomorrow.
Did Kevin really put his bar tab under the name Hercules last night?
i feel like the wall was a canvas for his penis.
Stop whining I left you with whiskey
YOU LEFT ME WITH WHISKEY ALONE IN A CABIN IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE I AM GOING TO DIE.
If I had that in my pants Omg I would want a shirt made so everyone knew
Why were you eating a hot dog in the bathroom at 230 am?
My roommate was sleeping, I thought it would be rude
Holy crap, church bells in Cibolo just scared the hell out of me. I'm pretty sure they were yelling sinner at me.
SO EXCITED ABOUT STRING CHEESE RIGHT NOW
should we try and roll a cross joint since its good friday? you know, for jesus
I think the highlight of my night is when I was eating a mayonnaise sandwich. drunk me was on point.
Just don't do anything stupid
i did a stupid sorry
Rarely does a man I fucked with upgrade from me
I just had a morning three-some with marijuana and a detachable shower-head
Randomize
