I just had my first uncircumcised penis. I kept staring at it like the foreskin was going to fall off on its own.
foreplay: 7 minutes. sex: 3 minutes. cuddling: 10 minutes. getting dressed: 5 minutes. commute: 5 minutes.
She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
Hey sis... Don't forget moms day is this sun. And don't get her another gift while you are freakin high this time. The vibrator was embarrassing.
FYI the vibrator was a SUCCESS. She was in a much better mood this last year. Maybe you should get high this time and get a great gift
He wants to call Lloyd's of London and have my mouth insured.
we fucked while standing on a ladder. challenging, but worth it.
I've woke up in his bed 4 out of the past 6 mornings. I feel like this might be the time to learn more about him then his first name and what kind of beer he drinks.
I miss the good ol days when id just come home from school and thered be a costco size box of condoms on my bed.
my parents really loved me back then.
Nothing like a false "my-dad-found-my-weed" alarm on Christmas day.
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
Dude, he danced with the dog that some random chick was carrying at the bar. Then the dog jumped out of his arms and ran away. THAT definitely deserves a drink.
I forgot what I was gonna say, but I'm pretty excited to not be pregnant.
IT'S LIKE LOOKING INTO GOD'S VAGINA!!!!
Randomize
