I just woke up to people screaming "funnel" in my kitchen....
Happy St. Patrick's Day.
he broke up with me while standing outside, half naked, waiting to fuck him. i feel like a leper right about now.
The Fresno prostitute seemed offended all I wanted from her was directions back to the freeway.
at what point did you see referring to the bartender as 'the white precious' a good idea??
He was more tolerable with alcohol in my system. I woke up to him squeezing me and telling me how he wanted to dip me in strawberry jam.
Listen, don't freak out when you walk out on me masturbating in front of my roommate. No homo. He just needs to be put to his place.
I had 800 mg of ibuprofen 2 b vitamins and I'm pounding water like I'm trying to win a hazing
I just realized that I have to choose between a future orthopedic surgeon and a dude currently in jail. My life is so fucked.
I just moved 6 traffic cones blocking a row of traffic. I got applause.
I'm toasting stale bread and thinking of you
Is that a sex thing?
So what's the moral standing on reading gay porn on your phone whilst sitting next to your 87 year old Grandma?
She only fucks to metal. I don't know whether to marry her or run for the hills.
i spent 45 minutes yellng Heather I feel so bad i wanna die and then 45 more yelling I DONT WANNT TO DIE. thats how drunk i was
Two of my dealers just made friends at this party. Do you think one will be pissed if I buy from the other or should I just go 50/50?
There's lube and condom packets all over the street we missed something awesome.
Randomize
