I think im going to throw up on grandma
I think my hot accountant is wearing banana republic. I miss the days when that ='ed gay. Signals are so confusing now.
One minute shes telling me about her volunteer work then she whips out a 12 inch dildo
Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
I just farted in the dogs face to show him who's boss
I feel so much closer to you now that I heard your poop splash into the toilet.
so he woke up after being passed out and yelled that he had brought back moon rocks for everybody...
just had to sit in the middle of an aisle in stop and shop because we're too hungover and needed to take a break.
We passed out in his car so I had to find a way to inconspiciously make my walk of shame back inside to go get my shit. To make things more difficult I had no pants and the whole neighborhood was awake
Can I please come dance in my bra to destiny's child with you? I'll bring the wine and the glitter
Why are we so great
Like I'm def going to a therapist but I wouldn't change a thing about us except maybe the peeing
At one point she whispered in my ear "I overdrew my bank account today" but besides that it was an awesome lap dance
Ive realized that in order for me to understand math, my professor has to be hot.
Pregaming at Jodi's. Ten minutes
Thought it was at Brad's?
Pregaming the pregame. Need alcohol before I can see that dick.
I have vodka, fruit gushers, and health insurance. Let's party.
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