Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
Corey Haim died. 80's me is so sad
i don't know how the hand towel got involved, but i peed all over it
I just watched the lion king for the first time in years. It's like the equivalent of a really good blow job.
She just kept saying "bless your heart" to him while he cried because he came so fast. I think a Texas woman was just what he needed
cocks speak louder than words, as they say
Nobody says that.
we got her to the bathroom intime. all she could say was 'now my bladder is empty just like my soul'
Just asked my roommate if she needs one of my old pill bottles to hold her weed during our move tomorrow. What has grad school done to me?
I don't want sex or anything I just really need someone to appreciate how shiny my hair is
The sex may be the only reason I like him. I've confused the multiple orgasms for feelings.
All I remember is allowing my uber driver to pull over on the side of the road to give me a massage. I was alone
Kick open the door, strike a pose, steal a boyfriend, end scene.
Honestly who turns down a free blowjob?
My v day was great. There's a cum stain in the shape of a handprint on my sheets
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
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