What can I say...he's packing some serious heat down there. You wouldn't expect that looking at him, huh?
I guess God knew he was going to be bald...
I saved him in my fone as special pumba. he was just pumba but then he found me drugs
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
I hope his life after cheating on me is as good as Tiger's golf game is these days.
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
Just got a blowjob in her closet with two people sleeping outside in the room. I feel like the emperor of college.
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
I feel like I've been hit by a truck, flew up and landed on a fence post that went straight through my vagina. No more vodka and sex for a while.
He got up when I started trying to balance my wine glass on his head.
We turned a watering can into a margarita bong.
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
Dude hobos go hard. I learned a lot last night.
Serious concern: will TSA confiscate my bondage rope?
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
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